Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
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It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something