music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
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Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE