Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
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*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.