Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
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Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.