[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
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Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working