Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
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happy friday
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
584.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.