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@Bob_Heller

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

@TheTweetOfGod

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

@ojedge

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

@stephenjmolloy

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

@choniepony

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

@lloydrang

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

@andshewasgone1

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

@The_Mentalyst

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

@murrman5

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you