must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
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wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.