Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
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No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.