Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
🤣
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
just got my engagement photos
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.