Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
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You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.