Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
You Might Also Like
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I missed you with all my darts
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.