“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
You Might Also Like
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”