Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I’m putting together a team