Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

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Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.


My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.


Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.


I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.


ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.


Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*


Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.