Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
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My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.