Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.