My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
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[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives