My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
You Might Also Like
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.