My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

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All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.


Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.


Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear


I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.


Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”


I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.


Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball


“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”


I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.