@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

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@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

@1_swarthy_dude

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

@IAmYardDad

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

@fdgrs19

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

@TheRealNickKay

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

@DamonHunzeker

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

@RocketRankoon

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

@NotthatAdamWest

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

@summerofbenny

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.