My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
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[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”