my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I think this cat is broken
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.