My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
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A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
This meal prepping shit easy
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.