My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
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[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?