My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
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waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct