My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
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I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.