My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
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“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.