My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
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*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior