My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
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I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?