My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
You Might Also Like
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
They’re really bad with fonts.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND