My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
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The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Yes
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting