My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

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What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights


What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?


I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.


[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”


My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.


My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.


Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen


2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement


Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.