My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
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“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
peeping toms
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”