My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
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MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.