My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
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Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.