My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

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Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti



KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much


Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.


Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.


If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.


ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone


For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”