@TheDanielleRock

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

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@SmithWit

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

@JimmerThatisAll

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

@dyldonot

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

@Fred_Delicious

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

@Token_Geezer

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

@DanMentos

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

@PhilLaysheO

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

@dlockw21

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

@GrantTanaka

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”