My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
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Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
WTF IS THAT!
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this