My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
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‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird