My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
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Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*