@MelvinofYork

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

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@iAmDelFreaky

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

@NotTodayEric

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

@Writepop

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

@MarisaLange

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

@Rollmaninoz

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

@robfee

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

@impaulmccoy

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

@UnicornSyrup

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”