My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
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[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
True statement👍😏😁
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.