My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
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Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second