My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
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Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
The USS B port
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
this is literally a CIA plant
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.