My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
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Do one person every day that scares you.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
How I’d get arrested…
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.