My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
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How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.