@_notyourmom_

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

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@3sunzzz

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

@ehdannyboy

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

@CVTBaby

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

@buseysteeth

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

@Lisabug74

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

@MarfSalvador

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

@kvlly

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!