My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
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gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.