My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
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NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.