My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
You Might Also Like
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug