My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
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BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Still my favourite meme.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?