Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
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If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed