[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
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I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
favorite tropes as memes
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.