My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
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This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?