My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad