My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
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Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight