Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Damn he played himself

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card